(Words) Dear Folks in with these 'FantasyLand' ass ideals of a relationship..

I love ya'll. I promise I do. Before you go getting your panties in a bunch, no one is out saying you shouldn't have STANDARDS. Nope. No one is. So this post isn't a cry for folks to let others do WHATEVER. What this post IS ABOUT reality. That's it. The things that are about to be discussed might by in your REALITY (yet) but I gotta tell that the folks whose reality it IS IN, didn't have it in theirs either.


First though, I want to talk about this word some of you LOVE TO THROW AROUND..

SETTLE 

Oh you niggas throw this word around like it is the MAGICAL elixir to WHATEVER ails a relationship. As if by simply NOT DOING THAT, one will have a mate with NO SHORTCOMINGS whatsoever and all will be perfect in FantasyLand once again. (CHUCKLES) The funny thing about that is if ANY OF YOU ACTUALLY LIVED IT HOW YOU SPIT IT, you would be MUCH MUCH MUCH FARTHER IN YOUR LIVES ALL THE WAY AROUND. So it 'sounds good', when you say it but I kinda have a hard time believing you when I see you 'settling' yourself. Ya dig? Oh, I know you are settling too. Don't get if fucked up. I see what you 'claim you like' as opposed to what you have outchea. I not talking 'cream of the crop' goals either. I'm talking EVERY DAY ATTAINABLE GOALS that you have 'settled for less' in. Again, we all have 'standards' and a lot of you have stopped on the 'as long as he/she' can provide money OR good looks portion of the list and SAID FUCK THE 'GOOD COMMUNICATOR/BEST FRIEND/GOOD PERSON/SENSIBLE/ETC/ETC to the wayside. You choose ONE OR THE OTHER (good looking or money) and then you THINK YOU ARE GOOD. Then the REST OF THE SHIT SLOWLY BEGINS TO MATTER as the years (sometimes months) go on... This is the stage we are going to speak on today, for those of you who haven't gotten there yet. 'Cause neither of the two MAIN THINGS (good looks/money) are going to maintain (keep) a relationship good without some sort of outside stimulation. 






Do I have your attention now? Good. 


As I watch/listen/read some of ya'lls reactions to folks 'infidelities', relationship dramas, relationship issues, etc, etc, I can't help but chuckle at the SHEER naivete` some of you have when it comes to matters of the heart. I guess we all do it on some level but some of you boy.. Let me tell you. You act as if everything is 'disposable' and with one 'flip a button' you can just move on to the next thing. No Country for consideration of time, feelings, THE PERSON'S OWN FUCKUPS and the like. Nope. Ya'll get ya'lls paint brushes out QUICK when you hear about some shit on some 'Just do this...just do that..eliminate this..don't settle for that.." thinking the shit will just magically WORK OUT. Then...then.... and here is the shit that kills me, if you DON'T THINK IT WILL WORK OUT, your remedy is to....


"Just leave...." 

Now you've heard me say this before..NOT EVERYONE IS OUT HERE ON THAT 'Joni Loves Cha Chi' man. (I have to think of a more up to date version of disposable teenage love...I can't at the moment though..sue me.) Some folks, whether they are there for A GOOD REASON OR NOT, are in some HEAVY SHIT. Got years in their shit. Got their 'best years' (according their peers and their own personal mentality..another post..another time..)* in it. Kids*.. Needs.. wants..etc...etc.. that are getting meant and won't be by anyone else. Present problem that you 'know about' withstanding. This is why I don't EVER just get dismissive about folks problems with these types of answers. It is NEVER just that simple. Don't you idiots think that the person involved in the shit HAS THOUGHT THAT? Clearly they CAN'T DO THAT. That is up to them get to the point that they can so offering that up as a solution is pretty pointless at most points***. 

(Starts a slow golf clap for all of you have NEVER HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS IN ANY CAPACITY...) Congratulations, you are doing well. Don't ride to fast on your high horse though my nig and niggettes, 'cause almost to a man or women, all of those people you see in 'pain' or who are going through some shit were sitting pretty JUST LIKE YOU WERE. Their dismissive 'waves' to any 'issues' that may come up in a relationship have led to ADDITIONAL PAIN because they got BLINDSIDED. They thought that if they did XYZ then ABC would happen. I mean it makes sense right? Treat a person a certain way, you get good results and we all live HAPPILY EVER AFTER right? It is just that simple huh? Wrong.

Ya'll are out here forgetting we aren't ROBOTS THOUGH. Men nor women. Folks have bad days. Folks GO THROUGH SHIT. Folks aren't PERFECT when we get with 'em to begin with so where we are thinking they are going to 'evolve' they JUST MIGHT NOT EVER DO SO. Sometimes this happens at the SAME TIME for both folks involved in the relationship and the results are BAD.**** Shit HAPPENS. This is what the proverbial 'they' meant by that. You guys can all sit on the outside and 'peck away' with perfection if you like but unless you have been in the shit, you won't know. It is just lip service.. 

...which brings me to my next point. You just don't KNOW HOW FOLKS RUN THEIR SHIT. @ THEIR RELATIONSHIP. I see some of you commenting on how 'such and such' conducts themselves on the Internet' or at the party. It usually comes in my favorite form... 


"If that were me I wouldn't be putting up with...XYZ..I'm better than that.." 


Meanwhile, there is some nigga at home, putting up with you are and your Queen Diva attitude OR YOU ARE AT HOME PUTTING UP WITH A NIGGA DOING (Insert whatever you like here that you don't want us to know you put up with..Here's a hint...it is usually that one thing YOU ARE ALWAYS SPEAKING THE LOUDEST ABOUT...Try that...) Yeah man I hear ya'll outchea. Talking about what such and is 'getting away' with 'cause the other person doesn't know.. Here's a shocker...
 



 Maybe...just maybe... that's how they run their shit. Maybe...JUST MAYBE NOW, they have mutually agreed that whatever that other person is out there seeking 'in the World' cannot be provided at home and it is OKAY for the person you are CRUCIFYING to do WHATEVER IT IS THAT THEY DO outchea. Ever think of that Joni? Cha Chi? You didn't ...did you and I know why. You are pompous enough to think that you KNOW EVERYTHING and that everyone has to think like you. lol 

This just in... NO THE FUCK THEY DON'T HAVE TO THINK LIKE YOU... 


You see, some people KNOW THEIR SHORTCOMINGS AND KNOW WHAT THEY CAN AND CANNOT PUT UP WITH. What you call 'settling' (again while you are over there 'settling' yourself in some capacity..) is actually taking in account the human factor of this shit. Yeah...yeah...yeah.."That's why I'm never getting married/getting together seriously with anyone..." I know niggas...I know.... Good for you. Don't complain about what cats are out doing though within it though. Benefits and shit. You don't like the cons of it and that is YOUR BUSINESS. Shit isn't sweet. Never HAS BEEN. @ those of you touting 'relationships' have changed. They haven't. You just got older and got exposed to more shit is all. Like I have said on here time and time again, THERE IS A REASON AUNTIE BETTY WON'T LET UNCLE LEROY OUTTA HER SIGHT/Uncle LeRoy gets to STILL GO TO THE STRIP CLUB/AUNT JOY GETS TO GO ON OUT OF TOWN GIRL TRIPS/WHATEVER LITTLE FUNKY SITUATION that your little young mind is too small to grasp. These things exist for a reason and it is usually for the sanctity of the relationship. Occasionally, it is because mofos ain't shit but the REALITY OF IT IS, it because mofos don't provide that part of the relationship and agreements have been hashed out. 


So think about that, the next time you have a mofo in your DMs, after you found out they had somebody and you want to know 'why they are doing what they are doing" *****


Is this enough REAL TALK FOR YOU CATS OUT HERE? No sugarcoating. No FantasyLand. Just real gritty shit. I see all these wet behind the ears ass cats, quoting their little quotes about if you 'Treat someone like such and such then they will NEVER DO SUCH AND SUCH.." Fuck outta here with that shit. Sometimes, shit is rough and a motherfucker has to work on THEMSELVES. No amount of steak and blowjobs is going to fix that.. No amount of red bottoms and cards is gonna get that right. There is a reason why cats 'put up with certain shit' 'cause they KNOW THEY HAVE PUT THE FOLKS THEY ARE WITH THROUGH SOME REAL BULLSHIT that they didn't have anything to do with. So stop judging from afar outchea ya'll. For real. 


You look bad doing it with the 'little bit of facts' that you know. I don't care if it is you know 'she knocked off one of his boys' or he 'beat her ass' honestly. Sometimes, motherfuckers do shit and shit comes back around. Notice the person it happens to doesn't SAY SHIT now do they? There's a reason and it isn't FOR EVERYONE TO KNOW. We can't never be satisfied with that outchea though. We are always looking for someone who is worse off than ourselves so we can look, point and laugh at 'em. How about you fix YOUR OWN SHIT. How about that?? (Drops the mic) 










*I'll touch on it a bit now. Some of you think 19-25 are 'prime' years. Yeah..if you are a superstar with superstar money. Chances are, during that age, unless your peoples are rich or you are doing illegal shit, you don't have a pot to piss in nor window to throw it out of. So yeah, you got your little muscle game up or there isn't that much mileage on the pussy (so to speak) but you DON'T HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND THE VAST MAJORITY OF YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT. I don't care 'how rough you came up' or any of that. I know. I see the mistakes you are making out here. If you knew better, you'd do better. Proof is in the pudding folks. (Yes, some older people DEFINITELY STILL FUCK UP..THEY HAVEN'T LEARNED..)






**You are out here talking about 'improper Daddying and shit yet you want niggas who are Fathers to just 'leave'. Parenting from afar or jointly is cool and can be done. It is BEST DONE WITH EVERYONE IN THE HOME. It just is. If it worked out for you and yours....GREAT. Everyone isn't fit for it. See the SAME FOLKS YOU ARE OUT HERE DISSING FOR NOT BEING PARENTED PROPERLY FOR REFERENCE. Their parents were 'around' for the most part. Shit could have been better. Period. 


*** Until they are TRULY READY TO LEAVE. Then you can help them by reiterating that. Helping them with that. Constructively. Not by going out and getting new dick or pussy to wave in their face either. I'm talking REAL HELP. You know, helping them with THEIR ISSUES THAT MIGHT HAVE CONTRIBUTED TO THE ISSUES THAT THEY ARE HAVING??


**** And then some person of the opposite sex might benefit. It is NOTHING THEY DID. Which is why I don't give males (or females) 'credit' for knocking off someone in their time of need. You lucked up. Congratulations. Low hanging fruit. You didn't do shit but 'be there' fam. lol Keep telling yourself you are a 'mack' or a 'bad bitch' though. You got used. It is what it is.


***** As you stand up there on your moral high horse, ready to mount his or have her mount yours....

(Words) Gender roles in relationships....and the delusional outlook some of you have on them..

I am not the FIRST PERSON to speak on this. Lets get that out of the way now. I'm almost POSITIVE that the vast majority of you have seen someone else address this. So I don't want you to think that I am 'breaking new ground' here. Rather, I am just reminding those of you who 'know better' and maybe informing those that are 'slowly coming to that age' that they have to at least entertain the idea of 'being in someone's Life long term'* This is going to be some hard reading for a particular sex for the first part but you should 'hang in there'. Both genders get taken to task. Trust me.


I have a particular problem with the way we currently use 'old school' gender roles in a newer society. Especially with what is commonly known as 'bitch work' to the 'old guard' of men AND man's work to women. I mean with more women out of the household than EVER BEFORE, I don't see how we can go around applying this title to things THAT HAVE TO BE DONE and the TIME PERIOD THAT WAS ALLOTTED FOR EACH PERSON TO DO THEM HAS CHANGED. It has. Changes are being demanded of the woman and the man in different ways and rightfully so.

I truly am amazed at the lack of common fucking sense some of you have in regards to this. If you are both working, nobody is home to do the work. How hard is it to comprehend that you might have to SHARE IN THE RESPONSIBILITY of the vast majority of these things? Not help... DO @ share. You might have to cook. You might have to hammer a nail in a wall sweetheart. 

Also, if the decision has been made that ONE OF YOU IS TO STAY HOME, again, how can ANY OF THESE TASKS LISTED BELOW BE SEEN AS TRIVIAL? Regardless as to what gender it is that stays home? 

I mean you DO REALIZE THE PERSON that 'stays home' never 'clocks out' right? Right? ESPECIALLY IF THERE ARE KIDS INVOLVED and they have either been staying at home for a long time or HAVE WORKED A REGULAR JOB THEMSELVES. They KNOW you aren't gonna come in and pick up where they left off at! They know that there is no place for them to 'just sit up and unwind' more likely. I don't see how you idiots don't see this from the outside though.The person that stays home is always encouraged to 'chase their dream' or go to school or something though. The trick to that is, since they can never 'clock out', when is that supposed to realistically happen without some help from the other person? It can't.... It is just like work too. Fast days. Slow days. They 'don't pay me enough for this shit..' days. Only there is no clock to punch out of... FOR THE DAY. 





Lets look at the type of tasks I mean when I say they are grouped via 'gender' for those of you who are still unclear...


Cooking. Dinner. Lunch. Breakfast (Except Sat. or Sunday depending on your household when most Fathers manned the kitchen..) 
Laundry.
Shopping.
Bathroom cleaning. 
Cleaning ANYTHING ELSE THAT NEEDED TO BE CLEANED.
Getting kids dressed. 
Helping kids with their homework.
Attending ALL SCHOOL FUNCTIONS whether you go or not..
Making sure EVERYONE IS STRAIGHT. 
Planning trips. 
Cutting grass
Responsible to try to fix/repair/replace pretty much anything that goes wrong. 
Painting. 
General yardwork...
I can keep going.....




Some of you minions out here REALLY STILL CONSIDER THIS WORK BENEATH YOU and as a result snidely label it 'women's work'. @ those things listed on here that are considered as such.


Oh sure you 'help' but you don't DO these tasks by yourselves which is a shame. Or rather, you feign that you can't. Which is even a bigger shame. These SAME MUNDANE TASKS that many of you claim on the Net daily that 'cats must have lacked at home' are the same ones you OPENLY refuse to do yourselves. Oh the irony... Ya'll are still looking down on FOLKS WHO STAY AT HOME, forgo/curtail/limit/chase it when they can their own ambitions and dreams for the most part to ensure their family is in the best position not only from a financial standpoint***** but just to provide the stability that you all claim most folks lacked growing up? Really fam? Really?




Now in REALITY, NONE OF THE SHIT I JUST LISTED IS 'WOMEN'S WORK'. That is a fallacy. ESPECIALLY NOWADAYS with the way things are shaped up. All of those things are part of RUNNING A HOUSEHOLD. Say it with me REALLY SLOW... Running. A. Household. So at this point, we should HONESTLY BE DROPPING THAT MONIKER when we speak on such things. I actually abhor the moniker. Yeah..there are some things that neither gender would 'prefer' to do but if the household is to run correctly, you should be able to perform 95% of its duties with NO GRUMBLING and with some level of skill.

The fact of the matter is though LADIES, there are some men WHO DO MORE THAN HELP. I see that being overlooked. Cats DO COME HOME AND HELP WITH THEIR KIDS HOMEWORK. They do 'pick up the kids' from wherever they are at. They DO COOK DINNER ON MORE THAN ONE NIGHT AND NOT JUST IN THE SUMMER TIME ON A GRILL. Not just out here grabbing pizzas either. Cooking food. Cleaning the house. Most of us actually were TAUGHT THAT by either a single mother or a MOTHER WHO KNEW THAT HER PEERS WERE RAISING DAUGHTERS THAT WOULD SOME DAY WORK ALONG SIDE WITH THEIR SONS. They adapted their parenting techniques accordingly so that their sons 'wouldn't need a woman to take care of them.."** So when you do find yourself a man like this, don't go around taking it for granted. Or trying to Nas that nigga on some 'Owe Me Back' shit for all the THOUSANDS OF YEARS WOMEN HAD TO BEAR THE BURDEN. It is not his cross to bear nor yours to nail him to. Keep that shit outta your relationship and concentrate on the good he does. Don't 'belittle' his clean up efforts. Don't take for granted he actually cleans the bathroom on the days you don't 'delegate it be done'...you know 'cleaning day..'. If he cooks dinner and it tastes good, damm sure let him know HOWEVER YOU SEE FIT*** Shit, if he is out here picking up kids, Krissy that nigga and prop.....my bad...let me stop playing. Just show some gratitude if he does that. You got yourself a good one as the 'general attitude' still seems to be..'That isn't for a man to be doing.."

I know men are doing 'cause I know folks who do it. Some of you men who are 'clowning' these dudes for doing it look pretty lonely over there too. I see you. I don't care what you say. Some of your 'singleness' is due to your absolute staunch stance of 'doing things like my Daddy/Uncle/etc' did 'em. Shit done changed...- Biggie.

I've seen some of ya'll with your kids looking like you just stepped into the Third Dimension. Looking lost like shit. Can't clean their nose properly. Can't even twist up a simple ponytail holder into your daughter's hair talking about you are a 'ladies man'..smh For shame cuz... Nobody said be Tim Gunn outchea but dammit, have some 'leeway' in what you 'won't do'. Your relationship will be better for it. Promise ya. Be the man you proclaim you want 75% of the Twitter ladies Fathers to be out here. Or have the potential to be. If you DON'T HAVE KIDS, that's GREAT. Doesn't mean you should be coming home putting your feet up like you aren't running around dirtying shit up too. Clean my nig. It is okay. You are in the comfort of your own home and you should care.






Yes, everyone will have their 'thing' that they do (Women with the hair..Men with the grass cutting...) but there shouldn't be too much of this talk outchea if you expect to 'make it'. 

Yes that means you Makeda..

'I'm not touching the trash.." shit like you are the Queen of Sheba is for the birds man. So IF YOUR MAN IS GONE FOR THE WEEKEND, you are gonna let the house just REEK OF CHICKEN GUTS AND OTHER ASSORTED THINGS 'cause your prissy ass can't tie up a bag, walk 20 feet to a CAN, open it up and PUT SOME TRASH IN IT? Yeah..see how many years that shit is gonna fly...


Don't chuckle it up Cornelius... Miss your spouse with all that...

Cornelius doesn't do laundry and bathrooms.... That's women's work... 



















So if your Lil Princess needs to take a bath AND YOUR WOMAN IS GONE, you mean to tell me your Neanderthal ass is actually going to let her sit in filth 'cause of your disdain for the bathroom cleaning my nig? @ your daughter. Word King? You are that stubborn huh? YOU BETTER NOT TWEET/FACEBOOK another status about niggas needing to be a 'Father to their child' then with that attitude fam....




Like I said, it all sounds good in 'theory' but today's circumstances just don't allow for you to have these 'hard lines' when it comes to gender roles. Go get some therapy for your 'childhood memories' of having to 'do whatever it is you did' and suck it up. Ya'll can't be out here 'claiming the rough childhood' as making you stronger but then turn around with these 'weak as water' arguments as to why you don't want to do them now.  Stop that out here. No wonder niggas are hitting up the divorce lawyer. Ya'll out here hustling backwards.... Lets be realistic when it comes to what we 'want' out here. I've seen MANY OF YOU BASH PRETTY MUCH EVERY CELEB out here that has gotten married/together with someone and they had these lofty expectations. Most recently Kim. Apply some of that logic to your own situation... Please. All jokes aside. ****


If I may, I would like to offer up this small piece of advice to anyone who finds themselves with someone like the folks I described up top in a negative light. It might be that time...@ reconsidering. The signs are there. Go on ahead and re-evaluate what is going on because they have pretty much already told you how they are 'going to be' regardless of the circumstances.. You ready for that? Not gonna tell you what to do beyond evaluate your situation. It is YOUR SITUATION. Do what you must. Just don't say 'Well..nobody broke it down for me..." That's a lie. I just did..


P.S. To the 'That's why I'm not getting married' crowd...these issues aren't just exclusive to married people..They afflict those who shack up too. Just saying....Shit changes when you live with folks... Which eventually, A VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE DO END UP DOING...



My point to ALL OF THIS IS that the days of the man going out and providing and the woman sitting at home doing her work are LONG GONE. Those Worlds have now intertwined. It is high time SOME OF YOU SEE THAT and factor that into your expectations. That's all. It may not go down EXACTLY how I typed it up top for some of you but it SURELY ISN'T GOING DOWN THE WAY YOUR GRANDMOTHER/GRANDFATHER'S DAUGHTER/SON HAD IT. That's for sure. It is different.






*Notice I didn't say married. Long term. It could include marriage but the same principles apply to 'playing house'. @ what most of you out here have claimed you will be doing as opposed to marriage..

**That was my mother. She taught me all the things she knew so that I wouldn't 'starve', not be clothed or live in filth in the event that I needed to handle those duties. She gave me the power to choose someone because I 'wanted them', not because they could 'provide' those things for me. Great if they do but I can do 'em myself. All the way.

*** That's another discussion for another time.. Use your imagination in the meantime though...(winks)


****I've been working on this topic for awhile and scrapped it a couple of times. The irony that it finally came together today after listening to a certain radio show last night is not lost on me though...


***** For you non-grown folks, finances are more than just about being able to afford the latest Space Jams man. Or that new snap back. Or that Mac or 'Droid. Cats have SEWER BILLS bigger than your car payment and your apartment rent combined. That's just one bill. In some cases, by the time folks finish paying for parking, the commute cost, food and wear and tear on a car, they are in the RED going to work. Never mind the costs of after care, the sick days for leave for children and all of that. We are talking GROWN UP FINANCES here. Not kiddie finances. So yeah..it is actually BENEFICIAL for one person to stay at home after you do the math. I've done it for folks before to really break it down for them. It is pretty eye opening.

Life, Love & Sinn aka @SinnamonLove: The Miseducation Of Amber Cole | The Well Versed

Life, Love & Sinn: The Miseducation Of Amber Cole | The Well Versed


I'mma give you a piece of what she wrote.... Go read the rest of it at the link...



Oh and for you 'high horse/but low on the totem pole' cats who don't want a 'porn star' to tell you anything, she sounds better educated than you and your favorite lil 'smart blogger/favorite tweeter'. Word she does...





Reading the story of Amber Cole through bloggers and social media sites I’m glad I missed the masses of people berating this young girl for her sexual exploration and making poor decisions with her heart because of one reason… I too was miseducated. The extent of sex education for most young women of color at home is “don’t get pregnant,” while at school its “these are the STDs you can catch.” I remember skipping school to go to Planned Parenthood when I thought I was pregnant by a boyfriend in high school, (turned out I had ovarian cysts instead.) Up until I overheard an older sister and her friends discussing the physical sensation of orgasms, I had been terrified that I had urinated on my partner when I ejaculated. I knew that “16 could get you 20,” but was still flattered by the attention of the good looking older boys with cars, jobs and money… despite having both a stepfather at home and my biological father that both spoiled me rotten. I was terrified of the idea of my boyfriend “going down” on me and thought “giving head” was something only White girls did.



At 16, a boyfriend broke up with me because I wouldn’t give him a blow job and wouldn’t engage in anal sex only to have him come to a video store signing in North Carolina shocked that I had grown up to be, well, Me. But that was the 80s and 90s… before I became a mother, before I went to college, before I met my first love and long before porn. I think back to that same boyfriend at 16 that recorded the sound of us having sex with his dual cassette boom box, (while Janet Jackson’s “Someday is Tonight” played on the other side,) and giggling at the thought of his being able to listen to it later when he was alone. To this day, he still has that tape. To this day, its still considered child porn.



This is not intended to be a condemnation on the persecution and criminalization of consensual sex between teens. I’m not going to get into a discussion of single parent households, fatherlessness and young girls seeking attention or lack of positive role models in the media for young people to follow. I don’t know Amber Cole, her family or her background and I certainly can’t make any assumptions as to what was going through her head when she decided to do whatever “he” wanted in order to win him back. To say that it was despicable how adults attacked this young girl online, to the point of their being rumors of her suicide is indeed an understatement yet – I’m not surprised.



For as long as I could remember, despite the lack of appropriate sex education, I always heard grown ups talk about “fast tail little girls” that flirted too much, wore short skirts or were just victims of their early physical development. No one ever chastises the men for their lecherous looks and inappropriate advances, but we certainly denigrate the girls to harlots rather quickly. What does bother me the most is that even in this day and age, we continue to perpetuate the cycle of misinformation or a lack of appropriate sex education for teens and young adults, yet punish them socially and criminally for their activities. In some states, a 19-year-old can be punished for up to 10 years for consensual sex with a 16-year-old and yet, in talking to my 18-year-old son I’ve found that not once was appropriate ages of sex partners or statutory rape covered in any of his sex ed classes in elementary, middle school or high school. Sex education continues to be limited to reproduction and disease, with limited information about available services for birth control, abortion, incest or sexual abuse.



In light of the Amber Cole Incident and the questions that came later from my 14-year-old currently taking sex ed, I’ve found that traditional sex education continues to stagnate and doesn’t include information on potential repercussions that sexting or consensual filming of sex acts between minors can have on the futures (legally, academically and socially,) of all parties involved. Its not 100% the schools fault. Educators are crippled by fear from parents that are blinded by their spiritual or moral beliefs on what they do and don’t want their children to be taught. Teenagers continue to wear purity rings and yet engage in risky sexual behaviors such as anal and oral sex in order to maintain their virginity. Boys are still allowed to be boys and girls are still expected to be held to a higher standard… and as in the case of Amber Cole, at least 2 boys have now been arrested and the FBI is deciding whether to prosecute…



I have to wonder, did anyone ever have a discussion with Amber Cole about sex in public places or looking out for hidden cameras? Did anyone ever say to these boys that pornography is something produced for and by adults and is not something for children and teens to engage in? Did anyone ever stop to tell these young men that “you don’t have to lie to kick it,” and that sometimes, honesty will still allow them to find sexual satiation while lies will only leave a sea of broken, angry hearts behind?
It angers me that somewhere along the line, all 4 of these children involved have been failed – not just by their parents and their schools, but their communities at large. It seems no one sat this young lady down and explained to her that sometimes guys (and girls) will try to take advantage of her sexuality and to be cautious of who you give you heart to. I’m angry because I see Amber Cole – yet another young woman that was under the mistaken belief that sex and love are synonymous – was willing to do anything for the “man” she loves. I wish that we would stop limiting sex education to bible verses and disease and start giving these young women back their power.



Its time for real world sex education; masturbation, condom use, risky sexual behavior, teen sex laws and consequences outside of STDs and teen pregnancy MUST be included in our discussions of sex with our kids. Parents have to stop thinking that conversations of teen sex will encourage promiscuity. When my oldest daughter went away to college with her boyfriend, I had a discussion with her about birth control. Today, at 19, they have now been together 5 years and are both in their 2nd year of college at the same school and there aren’t any babies on the way. When my youngest got ready to start high school I had a frank discussion with her about boys using a girl’s sexuality to their advantage for their own sexual exploration, and encouraged her to make sure when she is ready that her sexual exploration is on her terms and no one else’s. These are the conversations we should be having with our children.




People continue to act as though the Boogie-Man is some creepy old guy that lives in a house around the corner that everyone knows not to go to his house on Halloween… but what about the predator right in your child’s classroom, or the playground, or on the phone, cupcaking with them late at night? Throughout the late 90s, talk show television and soap operas brought to light the subject of teen domestic violence. I can only hope that the Miseducation of Amber Cole brings to light the subject of teen sex abuse and misconduct and allows us to have more frank, open conversations with our children. Sex is on every television show they watch and in every song on the radio that they listen to. If songs like Miguel’s “Quickie” can be played on the radio, how can you not explain to your children what a quickie is if you hear them playing it or humming along? How can you not sit through an episode of Family Guy, American Dad, South Park or Tosh 2.0 with your kids so you can inquire what they know about the subject matter they are laughing at? Sometimes, being a parent isn’t comfortable but you still have an obligation to fulfilling your children’s needs. If we don’t educate our kids, the streets will continue to do so… and Amber Cole won’t be the last young Black woman exploited and these three Black boys won’t be the last to be criminalized as a result.

No middle ground on the 'Yonce pregnancy I see....Forget her being pregnant lets talk about how some of you are acting out here....

'cause it is pretty damm sad.


Either cats are gonna buy the child it's first gift or folks hate the idea. What happened to the 'middle ground'? and PLEASE DON'T RUN UP ON ME WITH THE 'IDGAF' plea cop. That is not 'middle'. That is far left and YOU KNOW IT 'cause it speaks to your disdain for one or both parties involved 9.99/10. (I don't speak in absolutes when at all possible.)

More interesting than those two notions is the visceral shots thrown AT ANYONE WHO THINKS THE OPPOSITE OF THESE TWO IDEALS. It is like somehow those of you that do this have MANAGED TO MAKE IT ABOUT YOU while still slandering them. How you did it I don't know. Even funnier, you don't even REALIZE that is what you have done.

I mean I have seen it all...Cats mad at folks for being 'happy' for her by throwing out such winners as "Ya'll are acting like you are gonna be at the baby shower or some shit...."/THAT'S WHY YOUR LIL CRUMB SNATCHER DOESN'T HAVE WHAT MINE HAS 'CAUSE YOU ARE TOO WORRIED ABOUT HER...

Meanwhile on the flip side FOLKS ARE EQUALLY AS ANGRY AT THE FOLKS who don't 'welcome the news. Probably due to the insults hurled like the ones I just quoted. Man I don't have time for all of that.

I stand somewhere in the middle of all of that. I mean as someone who actually likes those two (I would be willing to guess that is the root of most of this. The "Do you like 'em or not" context of things....) I am 'positive' about the news. I didn't make an initial post here on the blog but when she put it out there in the pre-interview, I put the pic on FB. . HOWEVER, I really haven't said too much more about it unless asked. Why?

It is not my child nor a child that I will have any factor in rearing. I also know a little bit about child rearing BEYOND the fact that I was one myself so I am not about to pop junk about it. I know how hard it truly is. I know some of you are coming from that 'hurt' place in your life so you are projecting all types of stuff in your comments. I have no ax to grind in that matter. I am not 'mad' at her for being with him. I don't 'hate him for some rap he said or his 'position' in hip hop. I don't 'get mad that people say he OR she is the best doing it in their respective places in the genres of music they do. Not because I agree with that sentiment (One is my favorite and the other I like...but not that high on the list) but because I don't carry those types of feelings over to their personal lives. I'm not about to be out here hoping 'their kid doesn't look like such and such' on some sneak diss type time. Not out here 'hoping that she doesn't end up looking like her mother when she is older' 'cause quite frankly WE ALL GET OLD. Some of us better than others but it happens. Besides, with as reckless as some of you talk about Life in general, I am not expecting you to be here much longer to have to worry about it. It is just not my place to be that invested in what is going on with them and their child. I don't 'hang my hopes of black marriage' on them. I don't need them as role models nor would I want to do that to them. I would rather 'let them cook'.

I am far less invested in 'What kinda parents they are gonna be...' or 'What the child's name is gonna be..." or my all time favorite..."What is the child going to look like?". These are all things we will find out. I'm in no hurry. I have my own to take care of. Which leads me to the speculation...oops I mean slander...'Cause that is what 99% of ya'lls 'slander' really is. Speculation.


Speculation for me isn't as much of a sport as it seems to be for some of you. I like laughs and jokes too but for two people that a lot of you claim not to give a 'fuck about', 75% of your TL has been about 'em if it isn't about the other two characters you claim not to care about. (Wayne and Drake). I would excuse the youngin's from partaking in such bullshit EXCEPT for the fact that they are waxing philosophical about being grown so .....yeah...

So what the (bleep) are you saying Mr. Blogger? Ole Enlightened One? Do tell us.....


(Chuckles) You KNOW what I am saying. The fact that this topic dominated the WHOLE NIGHT INTO THE NEXT DAY is silly. Folks out here worrying about a child that even if it were to turn out 'harmed', that they wouldn't be able to help. Speculating on shit 'just cause they can'. Being hurtful 'for the hell of it'. Same folks that keep wondering why things 'never happen for them'. I don't. It is clear as day why shit doesn't happen for you. Your energy is focused on the wrong thing.

Take this ridiculous notion that some of you are running with that says the pregnancy rates will skyrocket due to this news. Bull. Shit. Matter of fact, let me riddle you this.

Who else got pregnant that caused the other four children that all of these 'ratchet girls' who are gonna follow Beyonce's lead? I'll wait....

I mean folks have been getting pregnant out here a long time and the HISTORY behind it has NOTHING TO DO WITH BEY. She didn't cause your cousin Tremaine to fool with Leroy and have 3 kids by him did she? Oh. She isn't the reason your Pops left your Moms or that you have stepbrothers and stepsisters. Living life in a vacuum for the sake of a joke must be a good time for some of you. Again, I don't wanna hear it is a joke because you 'ran said joke' about twenty times already. "I blame...." You seem REALLY SERIOUS with that. You already have someone in mind when you say stuff like that from what I have seen when I talk to you about it (or see you speak on it) later on down the line.


Another one I would like to dispel is the notion that she 'did it the right way'...(Oh you thought I was only gonna go at one side of this thing didn't you? That's your problem. Not mine. I am not you homie.)


I do understand 'what the right way' is too. That's not what I am arguing. What I am arguing is the notion that 'once you do XYZ then you can no longer be XYZ'. That is my issue. See, I know how this all plays out. You start running with the notion that one can 'never recover' from a mistake and the next thing you know, you guessed.....SOME ONE IS NO LONGER GOING TO GIVE A DAMM. Their actions will never be 'to get right' because they have already messed up in Life. You see that type of attitude every day.* 

So while I get promoting 'the right way' and ideally one would like it to go that way, you HAVE TO LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD. You know where happiness can be achieved more than one way? Where fairy tales don't come true but you turn out more than okay anyway? 

Maybe folks don't want to married out here.** They have their child and they have realized that maybe it needs to be the way it is. I know there are a lot of folks out here who 'bash' the other parent but I know some who have ACTUALLY LET IT GO and just go along their parenting way finding happiness later on in life via someone else once things got settled.  I know some who knew FROM JUMP that they were alone and handled their business and did the same.  Finally, I know some that STILL AREN'T MARRIED but have ADULT CHILDREN and their situation works for them. So while there is an ideal......

Maybe folks don't get 'it right' the first time around and have a kid or three. No need to hand out Scarlet Letters via Beyonce's pregnancy though. Which is what kinda slander is being sent with this message. Lets not act like Bey is the first 'honest' woman out here. She is not. There are plenty of folks out there doing their thing with the child situation either the way she is doing it or in other ways. I don't know Bey personally so I can't speak to how she feels about it but I am doubting she is doing anything else than living her life the best she can. @ any 'messages' she is sending.


It is also pretty funny to hear folks who don't even LIKE relationships speak on Jay/Bey's in absolutes...Cats speaking on folks 'winning' in Life and such but still finding that 'little hole' to poke to keep 'em down a notch. Good job buddy. Hats off to you for the backhanded compliments. Kudos to all of you out there laughing too for without you, this wouldn't be 'entertaining.'. Oh that's right, you are just 'telling' the truth. My bad plair. Keep projecting....I mean telling the your..I mean the truth about THEIR situation. Opinion? You are blurring the line on that one champ. Sorry. See the 'speculation' paragraph above. Now if that is what you get 'paid' to do, COOL. That doesn't mean I have to 'accept' it as the gospel though. So I am not telling you (or your favorite blogger/radio show/whatever person) not to write it. Just know that I am pretty dismissive of some of those notions. Just know if you do this on the regular, just like you see patterns in folks, someone might see one in you. Just saying....

*Reminds me of a particularly ignorant tweet I saw when the Earthquake rumbled our coast the other week in regards to that person 'not doing right because it is all gonna end anyway.' I'd bet money that same person has complained more than once about nobody 'giving a fuck about the plight of the folks where they live' yet they want someone to care while they harvest the attitude that they have. Yeah aight...Folks should care more about you than you do about yourself? What planet do you live on chief? You clearly don't care about yourself or others so why should anyone else? Exactly.


**And maybe folks do. So hold your horses if you think I am on your side if you are a 'marriage basher'. I am not. I respect your right to feel that way. That is all.