Wednesday, February 1, 2012

(Words) Gender roles in relationships....and the delusional outlook some of you have on them..

I am not the FIRST PERSON to speak on this. Lets get that out of the way now. I'm almost POSITIVE that the vast majority of you have seen someone else address this. So I don't want you to think that I am 'breaking new ground' here. Rather, I am just reminding those of you who 'know better' and maybe informing those that are 'slowly coming to that age' that they have to at least entertain the idea of 'being in someone's Life long term'* This is going to be some hard reading for a particular sex for the first part but you should 'hang in there'. Both genders get taken to task. Trust me.

I have a particular problem with the way we currently use 'old school' gender roles in a newer society. Especially with what is commonly known as 'bitch work' to the 'old guard' of men AND man's work to women. I mean with more women out of the household than EVER BEFORE, I don't see how we can go around applying this title to things THAT HAVE TO BE DONE and the TIME PERIOD THAT WAS ALLOTTED FOR EACH PERSON TO DO THEM HAS CHANGED. It has. Changes are being demanded of the woman and the man in different ways and rightfully so.

I truly am amazed at the lack of common fucking sense some of you have in regards to this. If you are both working, nobody is home to do the work. How hard is it to comprehend that you might have to SHARE IN THE RESPONSIBILITY of the vast majority of these things? Not help... DO @ share. You might have to cook. You might have to hammer a nail in a wall sweetheart. 

Also, if the decision has been made that ONE OF YOU IS TO STAY HOME, again, how can ANY OF THESE TASKS LISTED BELOW BE SEEN AS TRIVIAL? Regardless as to what gender it is that stays home? 

I mean you DO REALIZE THE PERSON that 'stays home' never 'clocks out' right? Right? ESPECIALLY IF THERE ARE KIDS INVOLVED and they have either been staying at home for a long time or HAVE WORKED A REGULAR JOB THEMSELVES. They KNOW you aren't gonna come in and pick up where they left off at! They know that there is no place for them to 'just sit up and unwind' more likely. I don't see how you idiots don't see this from the outside though.The person that stays home is always encouraged to 'chase their dream' or go to school or something though. The trick to that is, since they can never 'clock out', when is that supposed to realistically happen without some help from the other person? It can't.... It is just like work too. Fast days. Slow days. They 'don't pay me enough for this shit..' days. Only there is no clock to punch out of... FOR THE DAY. 

Lets look at the type of tasks I mean when I say they are grouped via 'gender' for those of you who are still unclear...

Cooking. Dinner. Lunch. Breakfast (Except Sat. or Sunday depending on your household when most Fathers manned the kitchen..) 
Bathroom cleaning. 
Getting kids dressed. 
Helping kids with their homework.
Attending ALL SCHOOL FUNCTIONS whether you go or not..
Planning trips. 
Cutting grass
Responsible to try to fix/repair/replace pretty much anything that goes wrong. 
General yardwork...
I can keep going.....

Some of you minions out here REALLY STILL CONSIDER THIS WORK BENEATH YOU and as a result snidely label it 'women's work'. @ those things listed on here that are considered as such.

Oh sure you 'help' but you don't DO these tasks by yourselves which is a shame. Or rather, you feign that you can't. Which is even a bigger shame. These SAME MUNDANE TASKS that many of you claim on the Net daily that 'cats must have lacked at home' are the same ones you OPENLY refuse to do yourselves. Oh the irony... Ya'll are still looking down on FOLKS WHO STAY AT HOME, forgo/curtail/limit/chase it when they can their own ambitions and dreams for the most part to ensure their family is in the best position not only from a financial standpoint***** but just to provide the stability that you all claim most folks lacked growing up? Really fam? Really?

Now in REALITY, NONE OF THE SHIT I JUST LISTED IS 'WOMEN'S WORK'. That is a fallacy. ESPECIALLY NOWADAYS with the way things are shaped up. All of those things are part of RUNNING A HOUSEHOLD. Say it with me REALLY SLOW... Running. A. Household. So at this point, we should HONESTLY BE DROPPING THAT MONIKER when we speak on such things. I actually abhor the moniker. Yeah..there are some things that neither gender would 'prefer' to do but if the household is to run correctly, you should be able to perform 95% of its duties with NO GRUMBLING and with some level of skill.

The fact of the matter is though LADIES, there are some men WHO DO MORE THAN HELP. I see that being overlooked. Cats DO COME HOME AND HELP WITH THEIR KIDS HOMEWORK. They do 'pick up the kids' from wherever they are at. They DO COOK DINNER ON MORE THAN ONE NIGHT AND NOT JUST IN THE SUMMER TIME ON A GRILL. Not just out here grabbing pizzas either. Cooking food. Cleaning the house. Most of us actually were TAUGHT THAT by either a single mother or a MOTHER WHO KNEW THAT HER PEERS WERE RAISING DAUGHTERS THAT WOULD SOME DAY WORK ALONG SIDE WITH THEIR SONS. They adapted their parenting techniques accordingly so that their sons 'wouldn't need a woman to take care of them.."** So when you do find yourself a man like this, don't go around taking it for granted. Or trying to Nas that nigga on some 'Owe Me Back' shit for all the THOUSANDS OF YEARS WOMEN HAD TO BEAR THE BURDEN. It is not his cross to bear nor yours to nail him to. Keep that shit outta your relationship and concentrate on the good he does. Don't 'belittle' his clean up efforts. Don't take for granted he actually cleans the bathroom on the days you don't 'delegate it be done' know 'cleaning day..'. If he cooks dinner and it tastes good, damm sure let him know HOWEVER YOU SEE FIT*** Shit, if he is out here picking up kids, Krissy that nigga and bad...let me stop playing. Just show some gratitude if he does that. You got yourself a good one as the 'general attitude' still seems to be..'That isn't for a man to be doing.."

I know men are doing 'cause I know folks who do it. Some of you men who are 'clowning' these dudes for doing it look pretty lonely over there too. I see you. I don't care what you say. Some of your 'singleness' is due to your absolute staunch stance of 'doing things like my Daddy/Uncle/etc' did 'em. Shit done changed...- Biggie.

I've seen some of ya'll with your kids looking like you just stepped into the Third Dimension. Looking lost like shit. Can't clean their nose properly. Can't even twist up a simple ponytail holder into your daughter's hair talking about you are a 'ladies man'..smh For shame cuz... Nobody said be Tim Gunn outchea but dammit, have some 'leeway' in what you 'won't do'. Your relationship will be better for it. Promise ya. Be the man you proclaim you want 75% of the Twitter ladies Fathers to be out here. Or have the potential to be. If you DON'T HAVE KIDS, that's GREAT. Doesn't mean you should be coming home putting your feet up like you aren't running around dirtying shit up too. Clean my nig. It is okay. You are in the comfort of your own home and you should care.

Yes, everyone will have their 'thing' that they do (Women with the hair..Men with the grass cutting...) but there shouldn't be too much of this talk outchea if you expect to 'make it'. 

Yes that means you Makeda..

'I'm not touching the trash.." shit like you are the Queen of Sheba is for the birds man. So IF YOUR MAN IS GONE FOR THE WEEKEND, you are gonna let the house just REEK OF CHICKEN GUTS AND OTHER ASSORTED THINGS 'cause your prissy ass can't tie up a bag, walk 20 feet to a CAN, open it up and PUT SOME TRASH IN IT? Yeah..see how many years that shit is gonna fly...

Don't chuckle it up Cornelius... Miss your spouse with all that...

Cornelius doesn't do laundry and bathrooms.... That's women's work... 

So if your Lil Princess needs to take a bath AND YOUR WOMAN IS GONE, you mean to tell me your Neanderthal ass is actually going to let her sit in filth 'cause of your disdain for the bathroom cleaning my nig? @ your daughter. Word King? You are that stubborn huh? YOU BETTER NOT TWEET/FACEBOOK another status about niggas needing to be a 'Father to their child' then with that attitude fam....

Like I said, it all sounds good in 'theory' but today's circumstances just don't allow for you to have these 'hard lines' when it comes to gender roles. Go get some therapy for your 'childhood memories' of having to 'do whatever it is you did' and suck it up. Ya'll can't be out here 'claiming the rough childhood' as making you stronger but then turn around with these 'weak as water' arguments as to why you don't want to do them now.  Stop that out here. No wonder niggas are hitting up the divorce lawyer. Ya'll out here hustling backwards.... Lets be realistic when it comes to what we 'want' out here. I've seen MANY OF YOU BASH PRETTY MUCH EVERY CELEB out here that has gotten married/together with someone and they had these lofty expectations. Most recently Kim. Apply some of that logic to your own situation... Please. All jokes aside. ****

If I may, I would like to offer up this small piece of advice to anyone who finds themselves with someone like the folks I described up top in a negative light. It might be that time...@ reconsidering. The signs are there. Go on ahead and re-evaluate what is going on because they have pretty much already told you how they are 'going to be' regardless of the circumstances.. You ready for that? Not gonna tell you what to do beyond evaluate your situation. It is YOUR SITUATION. Do what you must. Just don't say 'Well..nobody broke it down for me..." That's a lie. I just did..

P.S. To the 'That's why I'm not getting married' crowd...these issues aren't just exclusive to married people..They afflict those who shack up too. Just saying....Shit changes when you live with folks... Which eventually, A VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE DO END UP DOING...

My point to ALL OF THIS IS that the days of the man going out and providing and the woman sitting at home doing her work are LONG GONE. Those Worlds have now intertwined. It is high time SOME OF YOU SEE THAT and factor that into your expectations. That's all. It may not go down EXACTLY how I typed it up top for some of you but it SURELY ISN'T GOING DOWN THE WAY YOUR GRANDMOTHER/GRANDFATHER'S DAUGHTER/SON HAD IT. That's for sure. It is different.

*Notice I didn't say married. Long term. It could include marriage but the same principles apply to 'playing house'. @ what most of you out here have claimed you will be doing as opposed to marriage..

**That was my mother. She taught me all the things she knew so that I wouldn't 'starve', not be clothed or live in filth in the event that I needed to handle those duties. She gave me the power to choose someone because I 'wanted them', not because they could 'provide' those things for me. Great if they do but I can do 'em myself. All the way.

*** That's another discussion for another time.. Use your imagination in the meantime though...(winks)

****I've been working on this topic for awhile and scrapped it a couple of times. The irony that it finally came together today after listening to a certain radio show last night is not lost on me though...

***** For you non-grown folks, finances are more than just about being able to afford the latest Space Jams man. Or that new snap back. Or that Mac or 'Droid. Cats have SEWER BILLS bigger than your car payment and your apartment rent combined. That's just one bill. In some cases, by the time folks finish paying for parking, the commute cost, food and wear and tear on a car, they are in the RED going to work. Never mind the costs of after care, the sick days for leave for children and all of that. We are talking GROWN UP FINANCES here. Not kiddie finances. So is actually BENEFICIAL for one person to stay at home after you do the math. I've done it for folks before to really break it down for them. It is pretty eye opening.