(Words) He's Still Here.... - My Dad...

I mean just read the post man... @ who they are.

I don't remember intimate details of my Grandfather's death. I mean I know THE BASICS don't get me wrong but VERY LAST DETAIL? No. What I do remember are the days surrounding it and my own Father's 'shift' in Fatherhood and Manhood. It was huge. Definite impact. More thoughtful. Information started coming faster in regards to me. It was like watching some sort of 'passing of the guard' that was silently taking place. He took on even more than he had previously. He was QUIET for a long time though before it become outwardly apparent. There were days of REALLY THOUGHTFUL SILENCE and many a long run. Sometimes, I would run with him and sometimes off into the night he would go, alone. What I didn't understand then, I more than understand it now. @ the things that transpired during that time period.

Now before you go 'logic leaping', up until that point my Dad was an EXCELLENT DAD. So don't assume I am saying he was horrible. He was a young man in his late 30s to early 40s (I know some of you 19-20somethings think the word 'young' only applies to you but it doesn't..compare it to being 60ish. Broad range..) trying to raise a young BLACK MALE in a society that wasn't exactly 'as accepting' of young black males with VERY FEW LIVING ROLE MODELS TO PATTERN THEMSELVES AFTER. He was actually in the process of getting his OWN SHIT TOGETHER at the time, unbeknownst to the younger me at the time, by going BACK TO SCHOOL after having served his country. I didn't realize any of this at the time because unlike most parents today who come home and 'lay it all on their kids lap', he just DID HIS THING AND KEPT IT MOVING. I honestly thought EVERYONE'S parents worked two jobs, came home to crack open a book or two and every two weeks of the month went off to 'training' with their Military gear on. Then again, he surrounded me with folks who did so that's why I thought that. Again, didn't KNOW IT ALL AT THE TIME but all of that was done purposely. Even the MEN AND WOMEN who were childless and the like moved with a purpose. I say all that to say that he was still finding HIS WAY but knew he had to do it to make a way for me and he did that. I remember that vividly.

Anyhow, that time period stuck out in my head as I got a little older (I was 8 when my grandfather passed so lets say 11 or 12ish...). I would ask him about his own Father and where he was more 'reserved' (read: private and internal with his feelings)  in the past, he was now very candid. He told me that he wished he had been even more so before but he just didn't know 'how' but was glad that I kept asking. He told me that when I had some kids that I should try not to be so 'private' because they would remember, even if I thought they wouldn't. He was right because while I may not remember the 'finite' details of my grandfather's death, I remember JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING MY OWN FATHER did say at that time. I can only hope I'm doing this right in my own life. @ the sharing I am trying to do. I try to give 'em all that I know and if I don't know it, I try to find out. Just like mine did for me.

It is this time period that is helping me today, as I sit here and think about him on what would have been his birthday. My lil cousin shares this day with him (Happy birthday J!) and I remember just how much joy it would bring my Dad to call him on his birthday. More joy than he got from people calling him on his own for sure. Yes, my Father's birthday would often fall ON THANKSGIVING and while I was thankful for all the toys and other things I got over the years, as I got older and saw the hundreds of kids he was helping who DIDN'T HAVE A FATHER/he mentored/he just flat out helped raise in conjunction with their biological, I became more thankful for just HIM. Thankful for the exposure to many things and situations that I otherwise probably wouldn't have sought out on my own.

Now I am not gonna sit here and blow proverbial smoke up ya'lls (insert the word...ATTEMPTING TO KEEP THIS CLEAN...WISH ME LUCK) and say we just got along ALL THE TIME. Naw B. He was my Dad. I was JUST LIKE HIM. Which is to say we MORE THAN HAD OUR  SHARE OF 'ISSUES'. He was VERY HARD ON ME. In his own words, probably too hard. (I beg to differ with that at times as quite frankly, it was needed. I can say that NOW. Then? Eh...) I like to say he was doing what he thought was best and didn't wanna leave anything out. He did a GREAT JOB of doing something that comes with no manual and the mistakes he 'may have made' (Yeah..I'm gonna slander him on his birthday...I'm. Not. You. Nope..Sorry. Not gonna slander him. Next.) I learned from those too and am trying not to repeat them. Just like he asked me to. Gave me a lot of game early on in Life and gave me PLENTY MORE later on just by living. Whatever differences we did have, we worked them out like MEN. I hear a lot of you throwing around that 'phrase' like you know something about it. Nigga you don't know shit about that phrase if you are out here KILLING FOLKS behind your 'acting like men' mantra. That's not what men do. Men don't act like pussies and hide but part of being a man is owning up to YOUR PART of a situation and accepting folks apologies and the like. You know...that 'forgiveness' thing many of you view as a 'weakness'? Yeah that... He taught me that. It is VERY HARD TO DO but I've learned to at least ATTEMPT TO APPLY IT. Some of you could stand a taste of that or two...  Especially if you want others to 'help you' like you say they 'should'... There are a LOT OF YOU I WANT TO HELP IN ANY WAY I CAN but your lack of understanding of this VERY SIMPLE concept is stopping me...Another post. Another time perhaps.. @ this topic. (Sorry..I tried. @ clean..)

Today is pretty difficult but I want ya'll to send ANY ENERGY you have not to me but to my MOM. She is the one who could really use it today. From about 8 years old (Any of you elders reading this who wanna correct me..Go ahead! I wasn't there...You would know..I wouldn't..) to THIS VERY DAY, she has had that man intertwined in her life in some fashion. Yeah...go BACK AND READ WHAT I WROTE. I didn't say for EIGHT YEARS. I said SINCE EIGHT YEARS OLD. So yeah...send that her way at the very least and send her a lot. She needs it on this day. Send some to his living brothers and sisters too while you are at it. His nephew. His niece. His other son. That kid who JUST FOUND OUT THE OTHER DAY that he passed away and damm near passed out in front of me as I told him. Send some their way....

Yep, He's Still Here

This is going to sound a little weird but my Dad is still here. 

Obviously not in the physical but in our actions and in our hearts he is near. 

I remember thinking, morbid I know, just how I would be or how I would react. 

On days like these, when I think about him the most. Holidays, birthdays or other days of impact. 

Funny thing is, even when he was amongst us on the Earth but hundreds of miles away. 

I would hear his voice WITHOUT THE USE OF A PHONE or physical presence. Here's a taste of what he would say. 

If I was about to embark on something worthwhile his voice would come to me in my dreams at night..

He'd say "Well now boy I see you doing something worth a damm..I mighta done alright...

I see all the things I tried to tell you, you actually were paying attention. 

Shit, I thought they fell on deaf ears. I mean you never said a word or gave it a mention. 

I know I was hard on you Son but I did it because it was the only way I knew how. 

If I didn't say "I love you enough", know it wasn't cause I didn't. Let me say it now............ "

I also hear his voice while I am awake, usually when things go awry.

His presence is felt then too. Yeah, that's why I often look to the sky. 

Telling me to suck it up and act like I have a pair. 

Telling me that when things DO GET RIGHT AGAIN....to 'act like you been there'. 

Yeah man, I'm trying to tell you My Dad is still HERE AND IF NEED BE I will repeat.

Funny things is, I don't know if I'm saying it to convince you... or reminding myself so that I will feel complete.... 

I mean I don't want to be the weirdo who runs around like Nutso...

Tapping imaginary backboards and playing imaginary games with much vigor and gusto. 

Talking to 'ghosts of Christmas' pasts, cussing and laughing with my Dad when no one can see. 

Wait, I already do similar things like that, who I am kidding? I cope how I cope. Man this me. 

So yeah I'm gonna talk to him. Probably have a couple of odd things I do in his memory.

He is still here with me. Think like how Jay-Z would get them collect calls from his boy Emory.

He calls me up in my mind to drop a gem or two............................

(........Puts the proverbial pen down....We will be here all day... This 'poem' has no end....To be continued...)

(Words) Honoring my favorite Veteran.... #happyveteransday

To a few of you this spot should look VERY FAMILIAR TO YOU. Lenoir, NC

Before I start the known debauchery that is Fun Friday* here on the blog, I just wanted to give thanks to all the men and women who put it on the line for us EVERY DAY. In a day where cats are out here throwing around the word 'soldier' and the like, there are ACTUAL REAL SOLDIERS OUT THERE TAKING ENEMY FIRE AND RISKING THEIR LIVES EVERY DAY. I, for one, salute you for it.

While we may not always agree on WHY we are at war, the fact remains, folks are out here sacrificing their lives for us to live the way we live. (What up JR Smith!? How's that 'No YouTube in China thing' working out for ya? Yeah...It is the simple things no?) For that I am thankful. If no more than for the freedom to be who I am and if for no less the freedom to actually have access to YouTube (In case you are dense, that is an EXAMPLE. Don't be so literal..).

Old North Rd. Lenoir, NC commonly known as "BushTown Rd..."

To my favorite Veteran: 


Thank you again. For everything. I know you are gone in the physical but you taught me how to live and learn from you even when you were here with us but not 'IN MY PRESENCE' so I'm pretty good. Miss the trash talking phone calls though and of course seeing you. But the lessons? Didn't forget those! Can still hear what you WOULD SAY so it is just like you are here. Kind of like you used to say about your Mother and Father. I fully understand now just how much you cherished those memories with what appeared to be a look of chagrin but what was more of a joyful memory in those times of 'need'. I get it now. I thought you were hurting when in fact you were healing. I find myself doing the same now. I understand.

Some of your former students, those dudes who you were pretty much THEIR FATHER TOO and colleagues told me to that they wished they had gotten to thank you. I tried to tell them the best way I knew how that just by living their life and becoming something, they did you proud. Some cried. Some just nodded their head. Others didn't know you even kept tabs. Perhaps their thoughts have reached you at this point. I know you hear all of my thoughts and ideas so I will refrain from typing out EVERY DETAIL here, as that is example that you set for me. Just wanted to say a few words publicly 'tis all. Don't mind me. You know how your son is. He is going to say what he is going to say. Again, thank you. For everything. 


Your Son



Again, some of you have VIVIDLY expressed your displeasure in your country's actions. Well within your rights to do so in my opinion. I only say this to you though if YOU REALLY CAN'T STAND HOW WE DO THINGS HERE IN THE UNITED STATES. 




 Move.


* If you knew my Daddy, you would KNOW that he never did mind ONE BIT OF DEBAUCHERY so if you are feeling 'some type of way' about this post being put up in the midst of 'WHATEVER' you may see on the side....Save that shit. He'd probably cuss you out himself and tell you about yourself. He wouldn't feel disrespected. At all. TRUST ME when I tell you.  

(Words) How 'getting back to normal' is going.....In regards to My Father's death..

Oh if you are a 'new' follower, start here... http://thewarehous.blogspot.com/2011/06/moijust-few-words-on-this-fathers-day.html    Then the post will make more sense to you. It won't be the last of it's type. Don't like it? Don't read 'em. It is that simple. I will be blunt though, if you have ANY SEMBLANCE OF COMMON SENSE, you will figure it out though.




It is going. I mean I would almost say I am 'back' but as I have been told by others that have been through it, 'back' will be relative. I have also been told I have 'changed'. I won't argue with that. At all.

I think his death, his purpose and the things that he taught me have made an already outspoken person such as myself EVEN THAT MUCH MORE SO. Knowing that he isn't here to spread the message makes me want to do it even more. So with that 'want' is what is keeping me in close contact with folks. "Cause my first instinct is to look within and close things up. I take care of myself for the most part. I don't ask or lean on folks like that. If I do that though, I won't be able to do any good in this World. All my ideas and thoughts will be stifled and bottled up. So I press on and decided AGAINST being selfish and holing up like some recluse. He would probably be PISSED AS HELL WITH ME IF I DID THAT ANYWAY. I can here him cussing me out right now for that:




"Boy, what in the good Hell is wrong with you? I ain't coming back. Now get off your ass and do what I taught you. Act like you got a set of balls between your legs and be a man. Go take care of your Mother and my damm Grandchildren...." 


And that is the tame version.... of what he would say. If you know him, you know that..







Do I question 'why'? @ it being his time to go. No. Not because of his age either. Maybe it is my faith. I wouldn't give you guys a 'blanket reason' for it though. For that I might as well not mention it. I don't feel the need to question it because like I said to many of you who I do KNOW IN PERSON, I didn't want him here suffering just so I could look at him. I knew the day I walked outta that hospital in Winston-Salem ('Preciate ya'll in the ICU at Baptist Hospital...ya'll are aight with me...I don't care what anyone else says.) through the doctor's entrance that he wasn't coming out of there. I made peace with that. It still hurts though....and I probably won't be able to think about it without it hurting. As it should be in my eyes. That's just how I see it. 

If you TRULY LOVE SOMEONE, you miss them. It hurts to think about them being gone but it also makes you smile at the same time. I know I am not the only one who has lost someone that close to them though so I know there are others that feel that way. You will notice I don't say I feel 'alone in this feeling' because of that. He taught me that early as child. Empathy. I feel some of you are missing that. If I know you, if I could give you some, I would. It is helpful. That is all I am going to say. Some of you have it actually but have put it to use in ALL OF THE WRONG WAYS. I can only hope you don't end up dead behind it. This is an honest place man. It is the truth. I feel that way. I would tell you to your face if you ask me. Trust me. I have done it. I have someone who is in Gander Hill (prison here in Delaware) that telling that to will be ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS I TELL HIM WHEN HE GETS OUT. Not out of spite. But out of 'I actually give a fuck about him and my Dad did too..He knows who he is. I don't have to call his name. Just because I am not out here screaming 'Free him' doesn't mean I don't think or pray for the brother..I don't do shit for show. Sorry.

You see, I can't 'seek revenge' on my Dad's killer. There is no one to 'talk tough to'. There is no one's family to 'threaten with revenge'. There is no 'system to be mad at'. No judge. No jury. No one to hold a grudge against to motivate me to keep going. No haters. Just his memory and the fact that he is gone. I mean I could go around screaming 'Fuck strokes' but what would that accomplish? Exactly....nothing. So all I can do is deal with it. 




THAT IS PROBABLY THE HARDEST PART OF THIS. There is no one to be 'angry' at. Just gotta deal with it. So deal with it I shall..... Like I do everything else that comes my way...

Besides, what is normal? @ getting back to it....

This picture reminds me of my Dad and his carvings.....

A flick I snapped at the museum the other day.

Bonus picture of the skies about to open up...Raining on on side of the street and not the other...