Oh if you are a 'new' follower, start here... http://thewarehous.blogspot.com/2011/06/moijust-few-words-on-this-fathers-day.html Then the post will make more sense to you. It won't be the last of it's type. Don't like it? Don't read 'em. It is that simple. I will be blunt though, if you have ANY SEMBLANCE OF COMMON SENSE, you will figure it out though.
It is going. I mean I would almost say I am 'back' but as I have been told by others that have been through it, 'back' will be relative. I have also been told I have 'changed'. I won't argue with that. At all.
I think his death, his purpose and the things that he taught me have made an already outspoken person such as myself EVEN THAT MUCH MORE SO. Knowing that he isn't here to spread the message makes me want to do it even more. So with that 'want' is what is keeping me in close contact with folks. "Cause my first instinct is to look within and close things up. I take care of myself for the most part. I don't ask or lean on folks like that. If I do that though, I won't be able to do any good in this World. All my ideas and thoughts will be stifled and bottled up. So I press on and decided AGAINST being selfish and holing up like some recluse. He would probably be PISSED AS HELL WITH ME IF I DID THAT ANYWAY. I can here him cussing me out right now for that:
"Boy, what in the good Hell is wrong with you? I ain't coming back. Now get off your ass and do what I taught you. Act like you got a set of balls between your legs and be a man. Go take care of your Mother and my damm Grandchildren...."
And that is the tame version.... of what he would say. If you know him, you know that..
Do I question 'why'? @ it being his time to go. No. Not because of his age either. Maybe it is my faith. I wouldn't give you guys a 'blanket reason' for it though. For that I might as well not mention it. I don't feel the need to question it because like I said to many of you who I do KNOW IN PERSON, I didn't want him here suffering just so I could look at him. I knew the day I walked outta that hospital in Winston-Salem ('Preciate ya'll in the ICU at Baptist Hospital...ya'll are aight with me...I don't care what anyone else says.) through the doctor's entrance that he wasn't coming out of there. I made peace with that. It still hurts though....and I probably won't be able to think about it without it hurting. As it should be in my eyes. That's just how I see it.
If you TRULY LOVE SOMEONE, you miss them. It hurts to think about them being gone but it also makes you smile at the same time. I know I am not the only one who has lost someone that close to them though so I know there are others that feel that way. You will notice I don't say I feel 'alone in this feeling' because of that. He taught me that early as child. Empathy. I feel some of you are missing that. If I know you, if I could give you some, I would. It is helpful. That is all I am going to say. Some of you have it actually but have put it to use in ALL OF THE WRONG WAYS. I can only hope you don't end up dead behind it. This is an honest place man. It is the truth. I feel that way. I would tell you to your face if you ask me. Trust me. I have done it. I have someone who is in Gander Hill (prison here in Delaware) that telling that to will be ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS I TELL HIM WHEN HE GETS OUT. Not out of spite. But out of 'I actually give a fuck about him and my Dad did too..He knows who he is. I don't have to call his name. Just because I am not out here screaming 'Free him' doesn't mean I don't think or pray for the brother..I don't do shit for show. Sorry.
You see, I can't 'seek revenge' on my Dad's killer. There is no one to 'talk tough to'. There is no one's family to 'threaten with revenge'. There is no 'system to be mad at'. No judge. No jury. No one to hold a grudge against to motivate me to keep going. No haters. Just his memory and the fact that he is gone. I mean I could go around screaming 'Fuck strokes' but what would that accomplish? Exactly....nothing. So all I can do is deal with it.
THAT IS PROBABLY THE HARDEST PART OF THIS. There is no one to be 'angry' at. Just gotta deal with it. So deal with it I shall..... Like I do everything else that comes my way...
Besides, what is normal? @ getting back to it....
